lecanis

Okay, so... whining ahead. Seriously.

1) Once again my son woke up seizing. For the third day in a row.

2) His doctor is basically referring us EVERYWHERE. In a way, that's good -- he will get a lot of care and some treatment and testing that he hasn't had before. But, at the same time, it means about a thousand separate trips of Nashville, because EVERY SPECIALIST is there. There are some specialists for various things in Clarksville, but none of them take Tenncare.

Which leads me to...

3) NO ONE TAKES TENNCARE. Basically, we got sent from the dr's office to the hospital to have tests done, and they went 'no, we can't do it, but this lab can.' So I wound up driving 15 minutes or so across town to this lab I'd never heard of to get the test done. AFTER having waited almost half an hour at the hospital to get registered. >>

THEN the lab wasn't open at the time the hospital had said it would be, so we wound up going to have lunch and then going back there.

4) Drawing blood from kids sucks. We finally had to do the prick-and-milk method on his finger. The poor thing is bruised like crazy, and was cranky as hell.

5.) His father calls me, while we're napping, to tell me that his electricity is out because he didn't pay his bill. And comes over to my place to use my computer to find out how to deal with the situation, and then has to go back to his place to wait on someone to come turn it back on. Sooo I don't know what time he's taking D, and he was all freaking out all over the place at me. Which just made me MORE annoyed after the bad day we'd had.

... what else? I know there's other shit, but that was most of it. I still feel sick, which isn't cool at all, and I can't seem to get my apartment cleaned up, because every time I start working on it, something happens that has to be dealt with. Or, you know, I pass out.

... so I might be cleaning some tonight or tomorrow, hopefully. Or screaming into my pillow for a few hours. >>

When the ER doctor says "you're going to lose that kidney if we don't get this infection cleared up'... that's a bad thing.

Especially because my regular doctor earlier in the day had tested for the exact same infection, and thought it was gone. Yeah, not gone at all.

And now I have uber-strong antibiotics to go with my steroids and everything else.

... ...

I posted notes on all my RP comms saying I was going to be slow and everything. It's a little sad to realize how much RPing I had been doing lately... just looking at all those open logs I was holding up made me go "HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT TO KEEP UP EVEN WHEN YOU'RE HEALTHY?'

Plus I still have fic I want to finish. And, you know, RL concerns. ... I really have to do some of that prioritizing shit one of these days.

Plus I'm now broke. At least until the first. I hate when you buy things that you've been waiting on for a while (a TV in this case, mostly) and then suddenly all these expenses come up and you're like "I WISH I HADN'T GOTTEN THAT."

... It's almost school time, anyway. Which means I won't be babysitting all the time, and hopefully I can talk to people about my own kid's schooling. After that's taken care of... maybe I can get a job. Or go to school. Or both.

Okay, so I know a lot of people watch me for Naruto (and probably specifically KakaIru) fanfic. I do eventually plan on writing some more for that fandom, but right now I’m on a Nabari no Ou kick. So here’s the start of a Raikou/Gau story, for anyone who is interested!

By Your Side (At any price)
Rating: PG-13 this chapter, NC-17 eventually.
Summary: When Gau breaks a pattern, will he bite off more than he can chew?

( Be sure you lock the door behind me. )

Today I managed laundry. Sort of. I didn't get to wash the bigger things I planned to because I ran out of change, the change machine doesn't work, and the pop machine didn't let me scam quarters from it this time.

Other than that, I managed to accomplish burning my finger, and that's about it. The burnt finger is preventing dishes being done, but hopefully I can get them done in the morning before Hato and Lex come over.

I've been incredibly social this past week. It's weird. O.o And thus, I've spent pretty much no time online, because being social leaves me exhausted and then I go to bed early.

New Years. --

I have no idea what I want out of this year, and yet this year SHOULD be the one I do everything in.

Get a driver's license
become financially stable
go to school
get Dusty in school

etc etc

O.o

It sort of makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry just thinking about everything I need to do, which I'm sure isn't the way you're supposed to approach New Year's resolutions.

I'm not feeling horribly optimistic today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I feel almost guilty for making RL-Offline friends. Is that wrong?

I told myself from the moment I met you that I wouldn't love you. It sounds so random, but I knew even then that you were a risk to me, that everything about you was everything I wanted.

You made it so hard. With each smile and each little quirk and each uptight ridiculous lecture. Every time you said my name so politely and kicked me under the table, out to dinner with friends, sitting next to each other by default as the bachelors, I wanted to kick you back and laugh and say your name in my dirtiest sexiest voice.

I told myself I wouldn't love you, that no amount of inside jokes or walking-too-close moments could make whatever friendship was between us something like love.

And now, looking down at your scarred back, one hand fisted in your dark hair and the other balancing myself against your bed, my cock spent and wilting inside your body, my thighs shaking with the effort of not collapsing over you entirely, I know that I have succeeded.

I don't love you. I don't even want you, now that it's over, have no desire to crawl into your bed again.

It's very good for me that I don't love you, really. Because if I did, it would hurt an awful lot that it wasn't my name you whispered as you came.

It's all right; I don't love you. And I'll keep saying it until we both believe it, or at least until it drowns out that single soft word in my mind.

And tomorrow, when I punch the swordsman and see how much blood I can make him cough up, it won't have anything to do with you at all.

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Only as a child, and only for entirely the wrong reasons. When I was a little kid, I desperately wanted to be like other people. Not just like everyone else in the "I want designer clothes" way, but like everyone else enough that both the children and adults around me didn't freak out every time I opened my mouth or reminded them of my existence.

I wanted people to stop throwing those little Gideon bibles at me. I wanted teenage boys not to randomly decide they were going to burn me at the stake. I wanted to be able to walk down the hall at my freaking elementary school without someone whispering "Satan!" or "witch."

I didn't convert, but I will admit to having thought about it. I will admit to having sat in my grandmother's church -- feeling nothing, understanding nothing of what exactly I was supposed to get out of hearing about a deity I felt no connection too -- and thinking "Life would be so much easier if I could believe in this."

In the end, I couldn't do it. And as I sit here in my pajamas with my laptop, halfway across the country from where I grew up, living a very different life than I lived then, all I can say is that I still wouldn't.

I'll be twenty-nine this year. And the same Goddess I started to follow actively when I was four years old is still my Goddess now.

I think I may be forgiven a few moments of weakness, eh, Mother?

Chapter 25: “You want...”

( Should have gone to Gaho's )

Warnings: Written after I nodded off sitting up and woke back up.

Random autobiographical crap. Rape and violence.

( Did you read the damn warnings? )

The story continues, with a date, wooo! And waste of money on ignored entertainment. *giggles* No smut, this chapter. As in... it'll be next.

( Part 6 )